Youth Group Made Me Cry

I wanted to share this today for anyone who has also experienced feeling out of place and unwanted in what's supposed to be an all-inclusive, welcoming church group. You didn't fail; it failed you.

I'd like to preface with this is one woman's experience. God commands has followers to be in community with one another. Youth groups, kid groups, and Bible studies have been how people grew substantially in their faith, found their best friends, friend groups, spouses, and nonbiological families-- but not everyone does.

I've been a devoted follower of Jesus Christ since I was seven years old. I grew up as a quiet, reserved kid. I was hesitant to "let people in" because while I loved others freely, my trust felt like it had to be earned. I never quite understood why people thought it made perfect sense to expect kids to share their deepest fears and burdens with total strangers. Christian community, like any community, does not work like a microwave-- sharing trauma doesn't automatically produce friends. Real, everlasting community takes time.

I don't know if people assume kids don't have real problems so therefore they have a mentality of "what's the worst they could share?" But the reality is, kids can have very deep emotions, and they can be carrying unimaginable weight and pain, silently.

My experience with youth groups has taught me, personally, one thing: I don't belong.

I'm too quiet, too introverted, too introspective, too speculating to fit the persona youth group leaders are looking for. At the church I grew up in, from the time I was twelve to eighteen, our church went through seven youth pastors. The program was always changing, the few girls in my grade formed a group that made clear I was not welcome to join. I didn't wear what they wore, or talk the way they talked, chased the boys around the church, nor did what they did; and it didn't seem to matter who the pastor was, it consistently felt like he or she didn't know what to do with me.

By seventh grade, I stopped forcing myself to go somewhere that made me feel poorly, and started joining my parents in the main church service until I went to college.

I went out of state to go to a Christian college and it was the first time in my life that I had friends who were believers. I am forever grateful for the friends I had growing up, but there is something special about the friends who worship and live for the same God as you.

When I graduated, I stayed in the area, and while it was hard because of my past experience, I decided to try going to my new church's youth group. I figured my odds were high since it was a new church, in a new state, with new people and a different leader.

Without going into every detail, because that's not what's important, I left every gathering in tears. It was the same.

I would argue that of all the human emotions we experience, nothing is worse than feeling unwanted, out of place, inferior, and that you don't belong. I remember thinking, how is it possible to be surrounded by almost one-hundred believers and yet have no friends?

I wanted to share this today, again not to put church groups down, but for anyone who has also experienced these crippling feelings in a place that's advertised to be welcoming, friendly, inviting, and all-inclusive. Just know that God sees you, and these groups are not the only way to make Christian friends and community. You didn't "fail" at youth group; it failed you.

You should never feel pressured to share your burdens or life with anyone, whether they have they are a pastor/leader or not. Bible studies and Christian groups are meant to help you grow closer to God through a safe community of believers.

In my personal opinion, anyone who attends these groups for motives other than to seek God and grow in their relationship with Him, are people to be leery of. Abusing something God intended to be holy feels like evidence that we are all broken and sinful. It feels unfortunate and unfair for people who get hurt in this way when they originally wanted to join a faith-based for genuine reasons.

I understand that this was probably a hot topic; especially for those who have nothing but good memories from their youth group(s). To those people, just remember that while you found your friends, felt accepted and were excited to go back, others did not. Consider what you can do to help decrease the number of people who leave youth group never wanting to return.