I felt ashamed that I couldn't relate or keep up with the conversations...
How many different occurrences have you not felt good enough? Whether it's a job, a degree, a person, or a group of friends, I'm realizing that I think part of being human comes with constantly putting our worth on trial.
When we don't feel good enough, we feel anxious, downcast, and maybe even cope through unhealthy ways. I talk about this concept a lot because it's something I think a lot about.
Why do we let people, money, and status determine our worth in our minds? Even if you don't believe in the Bible, look around...
Money never made (or kept) anyone happy, fame is known for destroying people's health, and whoever is making you feel like you're not good enough, why?
Why are you allowing them to have that power?
They are no better (or worse) than you, they struggle too-- even if it's secretly-- and no matter what they or their life looks like, no human being is designed to be the overall measurement or standard of success. But it's hard!
We're human with 5 senses and emotions. We see and hear things all the time that trigger emotions, but remember that faith, and knowledge of what's true, is not lived by sight.
I have a story for you today :) It's about a time I didn't feel good enough-- based on myself and the past I couldn't control. But God, in His delicate and brilliant way, eventually showed me that while I didn't feel like I had any place being where I was, He said that I did.
I grew up in the Northwest side of Chicago with my mom, dad, and younger sister. I lived in the same house my entire life, I went to public school from K-12, I grew up with the same kids, my family went to the same church every Sunday (and bakery afterwards), my parents had their same jobs (I love their jobs, they're so unique), and our vacations where always doing what we loved most: exploring a new city in the U.S.
My sister and I were two of few Christians in our public school, and while most kids weren't, they knew we were believers and for the most part respected it. For the first 18 years of my life, it was pretty consistent and stable.
And then I went to college-- A Christian college.
Suddenly I was surrounded by kids who were praying in the dining halls, having deep theological conversations on the lawn, and asking me things like "Do you interpret the Bible literally or figuratively?" and "Are you a new creationist or an old creationist?"
I loved being surrounded by believers for the first time, but it didn't take long for me to realize how different my upbringing was, or to feel like my faith and childhood was not as good as theirs.
I very quickly realized, these kids knew the historical and theological context of the Bible much better than me, they went to private Christian schools K-12 with all Christian friends, and most of their summers were spent at church camp or on mission trips.
A lot of their parents met at [that] Christian college, served on staff at their church, and had a long history of Christian faith. I'll never forget a time it hit me the hardest; and I honestly questioned if God loved me less.
I was sitting with a friend who grew up in a missionary family, they lived almost half their life as a family overseas, moving all the time-- wherever they needed to relocate-- their dad was a pastor and brilliant about biblical knowledge. While everyone around the table spoke about the food, culture, and stories from the different countries and international cities, I remember the shame I felt that I couldn't relate and even the weight when I looked around and realized I was the only one who had never left the United States.
I admired them, and they could not have been kinder or more welcoming, but to be honest, I didn't feel like I deserved to be there. I thought, these people sacrificed so much to spread the gospel and they experienced so much of God's creation because of it. While I felt honored to be invited and enjoyed hearing their stories, I did not feel good enough to be there.
My parents are Christians now, but they weren't always. I knew God's Word was true, and I knew He made everything I see on earth, but in college I couldn't keep up with conversations about biblical interpretation or provide thoughtful insight into biblical controversies, like old vs. new earth; nobody had ever talked to me about those things before.
Suddenly my child-like faith and steady upbringing felt inferior and that I let God down-- even though we can't control how we're raised.
I don't know about you, but my faith in Jesus was made through experiences that produced a personal relationship with Him first; I didn't start to understand the Bible as more than just select verses until about a decade later.
But God used this. When I realized just how much there was to learn about the Bible and God, I slowly started to read His Word in a new way, with a new purpose.
In all honesty, it started because I felt stupid, like a bad Christian and "behind" my Christian college friends; but it didn't take long for my initial purpose of wanting to feel just as good as everybody else to morph into wanting to know my God, Creator and Savior as much as I humanly could.
While reading it to generally know it, I discovered passages and truths that started to reframe many things in my life.
No, I didn't grow up moving around the world to spread the gospel, but I was a constant witness in my secular public school. No, I didn't hear about the historical content of the Bible or theological concepts until religion classes in college, but God decided to show who He was to me, personally, first. And no, my parents didn't hold positions in our church nor grow up with the faith they have today, but they have incredible testimonies that they can share in their unique places of work now.
Psalm 139:13-16 says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in a secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
Friends, you're worth the life of the only perfect man who will ever live (Jesus), if you're still here it's because you have value in God's eyes and He has good plans for good; And God, the Creator of every thing and story, is perfect in all His ways-- He does not make mistakes.
Your life is not a mistake and therefore none of the details are either. What a blessing it is to grow up in many places, but what a blessing it also is to grow up with consistency, too.
You are good enough, and you belong [there] because God, the only opinion that matters, says so.
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