It started with bagels; which quickly escalated to all things bread, all things pasta, all things carbohydrates, and then meat, sugar, and before I knew it my list of "safe foods" wasn't enough to keep me out of the emergency room.
For years I knew something was wrong with my perception of food, but I was convinced it would iron itself out and no way was it an eating disorder.
"I didn't look the part, I wasn't not eating, and I never tried purging what I ate," was what I told myself.
But I was afraid to gain weight, I believed my worth was only as big as my body was small, I panicked if I couldn't exercise everyday ("what would happen to me," I thought-- I didn't want to find out).
I avoided certain foods like the plague, and eventually found comfort from distress through a coping mechanism that would've eventually taken my life-- restriction and excessive exercise. What would you call that?
An eating disorder.
Four years ago, I knew I was going to write something on this topic. It was something I knew so little yet so much about. It was so prevalent in my life, yet because of the time and nature of it, it felt invisible.
Restricting food, over-exercising before and after meals didn't feel like a choice, it felt like my routine; my way of life. It wasn't until 7 years later when my "undesired way of life" took me to the hospital for the second time that I was forced to admit this was bigger than I thought, and I needed help.
In January 2021, I was diagnosed with Anorexia-Nervosa. Clearly I didn't know what eating disorders were, but when I researched them from a medical and biblical perspective both still left me feeling hopeless, isolated, misunderstood and confused.
While I wanted to understand the science behind eating disorders and the brain, I also wanted to know what my Heavenly Father and Creator had to say; And I was desperate for someone to share their raw, vulnerable story to show me that my thinking wasn't crazy and I wasn't alone.
I never found that source, so God called me to write it.
For four years I became a scholar of eating disorders, an apprentice of Jesus, all while meeting weekly with a therapist who helped me unpack my reasoning for disordered eating and exercise, process deep false beliefs from childhood, learn that healing looks like both victories and relapses, forgive what I needed to forgive, and discover with unshaken confidence that nothing in my life is a mistake or goes without God's notice.
By the third draft of this book, I was fortunate to be able to use this special project as my final thesis for grad school. Writing this book has forced me to re-live memories and emotions I preferred to leave brushed under the rug.
I've suffered some of the worst spiritual warfare, insomnia, anxiety and imposter syndrome that I've ever had, but as hard as those moments were, I took them as a sign that I was doing exactly I felt God call me to do.
I lost many things while writing this book and completing this degree, but I gained a sweet and intimate relationship with Jesus that I wouldn't trade for anything I lost.
"Pretty Girls Don't Eat Pizza" is not just an informative book about eating disorders, it's my life that as much as I'd like to keep private, I'm willing to share for the Kingdom of God. I hope readers will learn the truth about eating disorders and discover encouragement, hope, grace and the powerful truth behind 2 Corinthians 12:10 that "when I am weak, then I am strong."
While supplies last, you can click here to learn more and order a hard copy. Stay tuned for an eBook and audiobook (coming soon).
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